Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
monday
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
when mom throws a party…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.