Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
It’s an epidemic…
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!