In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m awake but I object,
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!