Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
You Might Also Like
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I just tested negative for patience.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Generation gap…
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.