my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?