It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.