All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
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Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’m listening
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression