Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain