[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet