Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”