Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.