I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book