[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
You Might Also Like
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
sry
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.