My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.