I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
you will never know the true number of layers
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.