Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You Might Also Like
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
spicy snake
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Barbie gone wild
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude