Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I found your tweet-up…
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Think I pulled my liver
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars