OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You Might Also Like
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company