My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.