coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
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