I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you