I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
blocked.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…