Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.