Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”