VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
fourth time’s the charm
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything