I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Worth a try
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Happy Star Wars day!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
SF is the wild wild west man
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m not wrong
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane