*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
You Might Also Like
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.