My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Skills
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Never ghost your hitman.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor