I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.