Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche