Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit