I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK