[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
You Might Also Like
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait