They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice