candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
moms in horror movies
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you