Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it