me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.