I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*puts cutlery down*
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked