ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
This is my brand.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson