It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.