Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
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“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Autocarrot sucks!
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them