My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
sir, my pâté if you please
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
road rage
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement