10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Just ordered me some pizza!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
The happy life.. 😊
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.