Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
good for her
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”