I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Risking my life for fun.