My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.