People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?