My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
You Might Also Like
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”