Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
m’lady
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”