Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Noah
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
accurate
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I would like even faster food.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?